Life has been ...

....

busy here.  I am on a New Member Committee so last week I made 18 phone calls to introduce ourselves and interview potential new members to our cooperative. We had a graduation, a graduation rehearsal, and a dinner for Tusculum supporting the memory of Chuck Bowlin. It was just a lot!

While school is mostly done now, little Pomegranate is still finishing up at the Kotynskis. She will be done at the end of the month. Our olders are mostly completely done although all of them will do math throughout the summer. 

Here is a little update on all of the kiddos: 

Isaac: Isaac is now 17 and is working at Yoder's almost 30 hours a week! It's a great job for him, and he seems to really enjoy it. I think it's fantastic that he can practice in an area like customer service as I think his life will involve a lot of "schmoozing" -- especially if he goes into the Arts. He is also still taking piano, voice, and guitar. Theater is mostly finishing up for the summer. He will be attending a theatre camp at Liberty University this summer with Randy Belt's (John's co-director at the ER) daughter Rylee. I am super excited for him. Generally, Isaac has become a pretty easy kid to parent. We had some challenging growing pains when he was 14-15, but mostly, now, he is enjoyable. He also has a girl that he likes :)

Elijah "Sidge": Sidge is 16. He still takes Karate two days a week. I think he will probably get his black belt by the time he graduates high school. He is working on the farm, hunting, and also working for other people (Daniel S., Aunt Betsy, Gabe, Grampa) sometimes. He is now driving as well which really helps here -- even though they share a vehicle. Sidge will be taking full-time college classes this fall which will be a very big change for him. His classes will be on Mondays and Wednesdays so he will have time to work on the farm and get some outdoor, hunting time in. While he does enjoy playing his allotted time of games on his phone each day (30 minutes), he is otherwise listening to hunting or some political podcasts (he likes Charlie Kirk) or reading. He is soon to leave for Columbia on a mission trip which is super exciting!)

Abigail: Abigail will turn 14 in July. She is still very involved in ballet. She probably is my least "liking" of school, and while she is a very good writer, doesn't even enjoy that all that much. She is really gifted with photography and spends time editing those items. She is going to be attending an overnight youth camp in Florida (WITHOUT her brothers as they have theater and mission trip). Abigail LOVES her friends and her social group (including a certain young man :) and is very intentional about her relationships -- something I never saw with the boys. 

Hannah: Hannah is 11 and as spirited, spunky, silly, and sweet as ever. She is just a spit-fire and so full of life. She loves ballet, and Ms. LoriAnn asked her to help at the princess and beginner camps this summer. She is super smart and schoolwork comes very easy to her. (If it doesn't, she can easily get frustrated as it isn't "normal" for something to feel hard.) She is very good on the farm as well, and if Sidge can't help us, Hannah is the next one in line to step in. She is the best cook and seamstress in our house and remains incredibly creative (and a bit messy :)

 

Tuesday Truth

(More) Prom Pictures

Prom pictures are coming in from Melissa Hankins who took them for prom this year. Wanted to make sure to share them.

Blessed Assurance

Promise me you'll cling to hope

Your entire universe hinges on the word And what it means to you

Is it a pinky promise that they'll always be there Whispered plans between lovers Wishful thinking about what's next

Or is it an assurance unwavering Because the One who gives it Is the same One who breathed starlight into existence? 

I pray you choose the latter

From the book: Chronic Defiance 

Trauma, Fragmentation, and the Soothing Certainty of Dogmatism

 

These notes are for Episode #127 from the podcast The Place We find Ourselves. This particular episode is called "Trauma, Fragmentation, and the Soothing Certainty of Dogmatism."  

I put this episode off because the title scared me, but it has been one of the most powerful episodes I have heard Adam Young do. I encourage you whole-heartedly to please consider listening to this episode if YOU are someone who gets incredibly opinionated or hard-headed about your political or religious opinions or if you know or love someone who is like that. 

I also want to preface these notes by saying that I am a very devout Christian, and so is Adam. Breaking down the dogmatism of religiosity is not saying people should not follow Christ whatsoever so please do not begin your listen thinking I am coming from that place. 

Here we go ...

Adam is going to explore how trauma leads to fragmentation in the brain and then he will explain what our brain does in response to the terror of fragmentation. 

What is trauma? 

Just a reminder of what trauma is so you will understand what it means when it is referred to in this podcast.

1. Helplessness (that ability to move your body or use your voice to make the awful thing stop happening).

2. Abandonment by potentially protective caregivers

What is fragmentation and how does trauma cause fragmentation? 

When you experience something, your brain records memory in five ways. There are more, but these will help us as we get started in understanding this:

1. Thoughts you had during the experience

2. Feelings you had during the experience

3. Physical sensations you had during the experience

4. Bodily inclinations you felt in the midst of the experience

5. Visual images of what you saw during the experience

Suppose when you are seven-years-old, you are having fun playing at a park when a dog rushes at you and bites you. Your mother can't get to you in time to protect you from the dog. 

1. Thoughts: "A scary dog is coming at me." That is stored in a certain part of your brain.

2. Feelings: At the same time, you feel the emotion of fear as the dog is charging at you. That emotion gets stored in a different part of the brain. 

3. Physical sensations: You feel a tightening in your chest and increase in your heart rate. The memory of those physical sensations, get stored in a different part of your brain. 

4. Bodily inclinations: Your body also has an inclination to want to run. That memory of wanting to turn away and run is stored in another part of your brain.

5. Visual images: As the dog gets close, you see an image of the dog's angry face. That image is stored in an entirely different part of your brain. 

They are all stored in your brain at the same time but in different brain locations. In a non-threatening experience, all of these different kinds of memory would connect with one another. The neurons would be sufficiently connected. That is called integration.

However, in a threatening experience, these five kinds of memories do not sufficiently connect and that is called fragmentation. Those five aspects of your memory remain largely separated from one another. All the various aspects of the memory become separated. In other words, in trauma, your emotions about the event, do not get connected with your thoughts about the event which do not get connected with the physical sensation. 

Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score explains that "When we experience something traumatic, the overwhelming experience becomes fragmented so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts and physical sensations related to the trauma take on a life of their own."

When neurons are not sufficiently connected to other neurons, that is what we mean by fragmentation. It is another way of saying separation. Disconnection. 

In the aftermath of trauma, your brain will become more fragmented which is to say less integrated. 

Dan Siegel's primary contribution to our understanding of trauma is that brain health is a function of integration. In other words, the more connection between parts of your brain, the healthier your brain. 

Disconnected, fragmented brain = traumatized brain

Connected, integrated brain = healed brain

Here is really important information about POSSIBLE TRAUMA. That dog biting event? It does NOT have to be stored in your body as trauma. An example from my own life is a scuba diving incident I witnessed as a new mom. A woman in our group died, and I was one of the last people to speak to her before she died. However, at the time, I was in some counseling and had a group of people who processed the event together and a husband who took me out onto the water again after it happened. I therefore do not believe that event was stored as trauma in my brain. 

Not all harmful events traumatize the brain. 

If, in the case of the dog bite, your mother runs over to you and gets the dog away from you and comforts you in the midst of the fear and talks to you about what happened, then mom's attunement and comfort and care allows your brain to link up those disconnected aspects of your memory. By receiving sufficient care in the wake of a traumatic event, your brain is able to connect/integrate the fragmented recordings of the memory. 

If a memory is recorded as trauma, it was not recorded in a healthy, coherent, integrated way. That is what good care does. It allows the fragmented recordings in disparate parts of your brain to connect with one another and become integrated. 

Developmental Trauma

Now, the event that Adam just shared was a one-time isolated incident. But what if the bad event is not an isolated incident? What if the bad thing happening, happens with some frequency? And what if it happens at home with Mom or Dad instead of in a park with a dog. In that case, you are in the realm of developmental trauma.  

Consider the brain of a little girl who watches her dad hit her mom and then they have a terrible divorce and then a step-father comes in and abuses her. What happens in her brain? Fragmented memory after fragmented memory after fragmented memory. Lots and lots of fragmentation in her brain. She becomes an adult and she has unintegrated jumble of thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical sensations. She has a very fragmented brain.

Instability

When you have high-levels of fragmented memory in your brain due to trauma, your brain and your body will feel unstable. The ground beneath you does not feel solid. You feel a sense of instability. The world does not feel safe. Lots of fragmented memory means that you will go through your day that the world is not quite safe and something bad might happen soon. 

You are NOT going to be aware of that as a 14-year-old girl or even a 20-year-old man because it is just the way it is for you. It's been normal for so long. But the reason you feel a little unstable inside is because there are so many access points in your daily life for your trauma to be activated. 

What if it is isn't just the snarling dog? It is also someone's facial expression that reminds you of your dad's before he hit your mother. Or a particular thought or emotion inside. All of these reminders/memories can activate the not-safe system in your brain. And when the system is activated, you will experience intense reactions that may seem wildly out of proportion to the present circumstance. The felt sense of chaos is because there is not enough integration in your brain. 

Complexity Theory states that the most stable systems are the ones with high levels of differentiation and high levels of connection. Both! The most stable brains are the ones where they brains where the thoughts and feelings are differentiated from one another but also connected to one another. Deep, thick fibers of connection. This translates to a sense that the word is safe and the ground under your feet is solid. 

Certainty

When your brain is fragmented and you feel chaotic inside (as a result of fragmentation due to trauma), you will feel a tremendous pull to certainty. Certainty means "I know what is happening in the world, but my perspective on all the important issues in the world is right and people who disagree with me about those things are wrong." Certainty is the conviction that you know the truth with a capital T. Certainty reduces the felt experience of chaos and fragmentation in your brain. 

Why? 

Because certainty gives you a sense of "the ground beneath my feet is stable and solid." 

Adam gives a personal example. He said that his anxiety was given certainty through what he heard in church and his Christian books. The pastor offered him certainty in regards to why the world is broken, the God of the Bible is in control, Jesus has rescued the world from sin, if I trust and obey God, I can experience healing from my pain and Abundant Life. When I die, I'll go to heaven and be free from all fear and sorrow. 

It was incredibly comforting to Adam to hear these things because everyone in his community was certain about those things. Certainty makes your chaotic brain feel more certain. Dan Allender says "The more certain you become, the less fragmented you feel." 

Belief Systems

Think about someone with a lot of fragmentation in their brain as a result of trauma. That person is going to crave certainty. That is, you will be attracted to belief systems that help your brain feel more orderly, safe, stable, secure, less chaotic. 

If that little girl that we talked about earlier in the story starts attending church as an adult. As the pastor shares certainty to her fragmented brain, the pastor's words will be incredibly soothing for her fragmented brain. The pastor is offering certainty to a brain that feels uncertain and confused. This will feel like the shaky ground beneath her feet is not as shaky anymore. 

Certainty makes traumatized people feel safer in the world. Certainty soothes fragmented brains. 

When your brain is in a chaotic state, there is IMMENSE pressure to figure out a way to figure out a way to make order out of the chaos inside. Any theological system reduces chaos by offering certainty. 

Dan Allender was a guest speaker on a podcast entitled The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill which discussed the loss of a Megachurch in Seattle. Dan said that one of the reasons people are attracted to churches like this is because they "offered highly traumatized people a place that they could be at rest." 

Why were so many people drawn to a deeply narcissistic and abusive pastor? Because traumatized people have a high-degree of fragmentation in their brains which makes them feel chaotic and unstable and all of that discomfort is soothed by theological certainty. They can finally begin to experience rest when they are offered certainty. 

PLEASE NOTE: Adam is not saying that Christianity is wrong at all! He is proud that his faith developed in high school and college through his trauma. However, he does think that the reason he found it so appealing was because the theological certainty was very calming for his fragmented and unstable brain. It gave him rest. That's why he read books and had so many quiet times. It was an attempt at self-regulation. 

For people with a history of trauma, we tend to think that we use reason and logic to choose our theological beliefs. But, in fact, what is really driving us is desperation to find rest from the fragmentation and chaos inside. Ahhhh, there is some solid ground!

He is NOT saying that this is true for securely attached people or people who have not experienced developmental trauma. But, for those of us who have fragmented, traumatized brains, we naturally gravitate toward belief systems that offer certainty. It regulates our dysregulated bodies by offering certainty about the world. "The most certain you become, the less fragmented you feel."

This does not mean your theology is wrong.  It just means that some part of your embrace of that theology is because it calms your insides -- not because you have broken it down using reason and logic. We all have hidden persuaders. 

Dogmatism

When you are driven by fragmentation to embrace theological certainty as a means of soothing, you will invariably become a dogmatic person.  

In other words: the fragmentation in your traumatized brain is soothed by certainty and there is no way you will allow anyone to take away that certainty. Thus, you become dogmatic about your beliefs. 

Dogmatism = to whole-heartedly embrace a belief system as TRUE. To think that the opinions you are hold are actually non-arguable facts.  

Someone who is dogmatic believes that whatever they think is right and that those who disagree with them are wrong. 

Dogmatism is not driven by analytic left-brained logical thinking. It is driven by a fragmented, chaotic right brain that needs certainty to calm itself down. 

For a chaotic brain, it matters less what you believe. What matters more of the certainty of which you believe it. 

Dogmatic People You Know 

Think of the people in your world who are very rigid and dogmatic and certain of their theological convictions. What if these people simply have a high-level of fragmentation in their brains due to trauma. And what if their theological certainty is an attempt to soothe that fragmentation? 

This is why it is so difficult for these people to ever consider viewpoints (political or religious usually) that are different from their own. They are trying to prevent their brains from fragmenting. They are trying to prevent themselves from feeling chaotic inside. 

No one arrives at their theological and political beliefs solely by objectively weighing the merits of various theological or political positions. No one! You come to these in response to your story. 

Have you ever truly considered the words of someone who disagreed with you about something that is really important to you? If you have ever considered their viewpoints, do you remember inside your body when you tried on what they were saying? "What if they are right and I am actually wrong about this issue?" Adam said that whenever he does this, he actually feels some fear and disorder inside his body. It feels shaky inside. Suddenly he feels less certain about his position and that sends him back to the chaotic feeling of fragmentation. 

Adam said, "I am not advocating relativism!" Relativism says it doesn't matter what you believe. All faith statements are equally valid. He explains that the opposite of dogmatism is NOT relativism. The opposite of dogmatism is the openness to the stories of others. 

Compassion for others

Can you find compassion for your dogmatic friends and family members? You do not need to agree with them or stop arguing them. But how might your posture toward them change if Jesus were to say to you, "You know that person who disagrees with you and is so theologically certain? They are simply trying to soothe the fragmentation in their brains." How would your posture toward that person changed if you realized that their dogmatism was actually ad desperate attempt to feel safe in the world.  

Compassion for yourself

Maybe you are a dogmatic person. What if your absolute certainty about issues is not so much driven by reason and logic but at your attempt to reduce the chaos and fragmentation in your brain? The more you heal from trauma, the less you will need to be certain about everything. This doesn't mean you will not have strong theological or political positions. But you will be free and open to the stories of those you disagree with. 

When someone's disagreement with you no longer threatens your peace, you can open yourself to them while remaining stable and grounded. You will understand what is really driving what is really driving these people that disagree with you so vehemently.

Points for today

1. Unprocessed trauma leads to fragmentation. 

2. When you have high-levels of fragmented memory in your brain due to trauma, your brain and your body will feel unstable. 

3. When your brain is fragmented and you feel chaotic inside (as a result of fragmentation due to trauma), you will feel a tremendous pull toward theologies and worldviews that offer certainty. 

4. When you are driven by fragmentation to embrace theological certainty as a means of soothing, you will invariably become a dogmatic person.

Pastoral Note

"Christianity is the difference between I HOLD and I AM HELD."

The more you grow in Christ, the more you will realize that it doesn't matter so much what faith claims you hold, what matters ultimately is that you are held by God. It is far less about you and and far more about God.

For those of us with a history of trauma, we can become very dogmatic unless the fragmentation in our brains is soothed not by certainty but by the deep knowing that we are held by God. 

Even if we are wrong on some important point, we are held by God.  

May it be so.

Obsessed

 

I have never been a huge fan of Mother's Day -- mainly because my decade of infertility really inflicted some damage in that regard. We never do much in our home for this day, and I'm perfectly fine with that. 

But yesterday, each of my kiddos and husband gave me something. Sidge gave me coupons to play Wingspan since I love to play that game, and when John is working, I struggle to find a partner. Each of the other three kiddos wrote me a card. Their words really mattered to me. Especially hearing from 17-year-old teenager. That mattered. 

You know what mattered most? It mattered that he told me he felt heard by me. He felt seen by me. Each time one of my kids comes to me with a problem, I get so excited! They need me. They want me! They can feel our connection inside of them. I am obsessed with making sure they can always feel that.

But if they never wrote me anything or said anything or gave me any gifts ... I don't care. What I want more than anything is that their body feels at peace near mine. I want my body to cause their blood pressure to go down. I want them to know that in Mom's presence, they can rest. I want them to feel that I am on their team, fighting for them, encouraging them, loving them. 

Remember THE BIG 6. I won't ever forget THE BIG 6. These are the six things that kids most need to feel from their parents. I've spoken about them a lot on the Blog, but if you have forgotten them, here they are again. 

I keep reminding myself. I only need to get it right about 33% of the time for my children to develop a secure connection with me. I can mess up a lot. (But if I mess up, I need seek repair.)

My life has become about these four humans I have and making sure my imprint is IN THEM every single day! They've been my purpose for seventeen years, but this past year, as I've restructured my priorities, I've realized THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD! I don't consider it just an "I hope they know this" responsibility. I am making FOR SURE that they do! 

The message that they take into adulthood, the recording in the back of their brain ... IT WILL BE MY VOICE! What will they be hearing? Will they be hearing yells and screams and frustrations and nagging and shaming. Or will they be hearing encouragement and love and support and direction and guidance? 

If you haven't been playing a good soundtrack in your child's head -- don't beat yourself up. Simply CHANGE IT. It can be altered. Ask for their forgiveness and START NOW!

Things I say to my kids so they don't spend their whole life questioning their worth

I have spent the year healing. And I realize, when I heal, I become my own safe space, and when I do, I become a safe place for my children. I no longer see my child as someone to fix or control. I see them as someone to love and guide and trust.  

With that, I realize that there are some things I want to make sure I sear into the nervous systems of my children. Here are some Things I say to my kids so they don't spend their whole life questioning their worth ... Because ... The words I say now will become the voice my kids hear in their head forever, and I want that voice to feel like home.

1. "I love you in every moment ... when you're happy, when you're sad, when you're angry, always, exactly as you are. No matter what." I never want them to feel that love has conditions. I don't want them to think that they to be calm, quiet, perfect or "good" to be worthy of love. If they grow up believing they have to earn love, they'll spend their whole life chasing it. And I never want them to feel that. 

2. "I missed you so much today. I was counting down the hours until we could be together again." I say this because I mean it. I want them to know that I don't just love them. I enjoy them. That being around them isn't a chore. That I don't just take care of them, I actually want to be with them. Because one day, they'll grow up, And I want them to carry the feeling that they were always wanted. 

3. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You are a gift." Our kids are told what to do all day. But do they hear: "You are a blessing to me!" or "You make my life better by just being in it." or "I am so lucky to be your mom." Because when kids grow up knowing they are treasured, not tolerated, they don't spend their adulthood trying to prove their worth. They already know it.

4. "Thank you for being so kind to me. I see how thoughtful and loving you are, and it means the world to me." Kids are constantly told to be kind and say they are sorry. But when was the last time they actually heard THANK YOU for that kindness. When kids feel seen for their kindness, they don't just do kind things, they become kind people. 

5. "You are allowed to say NO to anyone if you feel like you don't want to." I will not allow them to grow up saying yes because they feel guilt or they owe people something or that "no" would make them a bad person. 

6. "I have so much fun with you. I love when you are YOU." You know what kids remember most? Not the toys. Not the trips. Not the gifts. But the way you looked at them when they laughed too hard or danced around the house or told silly jokes. And instead of hearing "Calm down" they heard "I love you when you are YOU." This is what gives them the confidence to grow into adults who fully embrace who they are.

7. "No matter what happens, in the middle of everything and everyone, I will always trust you." I never want my child to feel alone in their mistakes or their fears. So I tell them over and over that they can always come to me and I will always believe them. No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, I am here for you sweet child. Because one day, they might feel scared to tell me something. And I want them to already know that they don't have to hide. They can trust me the way that I trust them.

8. "Mistakes happen. You don't have to be so tough on yourself." Because I don't want my child growing up believing that making a mistake means they've failed. I want them to know that mistakes don't define them. They are still learning, and that's a good thing! Being kind to themselves is just as important as being kind to others. Because if I don't teach them this now, they'll grow up treating themselves with the same harshness the world does. And I want them to be the voice in their own head that says: "It's okay. I can try again. I am still enough."

Yes!

Graduation Weekend

I should have taken more pictures of the Heritage Home Scholars 2025 graduation. John wa the emcee. And Isaac played piano. And cousin Ana graduated. But in the end, I didn't take a single picture, and so I'll add to this post with pictures that other people perhaps got and send to me:

Abigail and Ana were very close when they were little, and then as Ana became a teenager and Abigail stayed a little kid, they grew a part a bit. But they have gotten closer again. Hard to believe Kotynskis came here in 2018 and now, they have two that are done with the whole thing!

Nicole Gray sent me this picture and said "Thank you for loving my kiddos and helping them along the way." I really love this family. This is the four siblings: Mabree, Mariah, Malachi, and Maxton with going to marry in Gabe in the background covering up the shirt he wore which was less than dressy and not exactly up to standard :)

Outside of Ana, the other graduate that I have really felt a part of is Malachi Gray. He's as big as Sidge and just a teddy-bear of a guy. I really love him. He actually finally got a turkey this week and then bagged his second which meant that he had met his allowable for the year. So he decided to take Sidge out this morning turkey hunting.  

Unfortunately, they didn't see a single turkey. But Sidge did manage a skunk. Even though he wasn't sprayed by it, the moment he got out of their car when they dropped him off, you could smell the stink all over Sidge, and he had to get into the shower right away.

Gabe and Malachi went back home, and when they went back, they saw a bunch of turkeys out! Gabe got one! Only a jake, but still ... poor Sidge. And good job Gabe!

Take a look at the TOM that Malachi got the other day: